I just sang about eight bars.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
I don’t even know.
Haha mother in law bad
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
Long Live the SOUTH
One can only hope
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Totally makes sense.
Not Wanted: Jared Kushner
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Found on facebook xposted on r/cringetopia
Comments in a nutshell
Bernie wins the Iowa caucus despite the DNC’s best effort
Try icing it
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Enzyme meme hahaha
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
never believe, it’s not sooo
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
Found my first wild one.
At least you ain’t dyin alone
Started Hacking FBI in Quarantine
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
Just another look!
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
It do be like that sometimes
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Panda! You missed all the excitement!
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
Good man, good man.
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
Quantum mechanical model be like
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
A man is lost in the desert…
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck…' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges. A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!" The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?" The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Who’s the snowflake!
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
This gem was posted by my uncle on Facebook.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
(Agent) Orange is the new Black
Which is the best ?
Wife won’t let me do guy stuff!
Everything is great!
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
They said what they said
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
My American Cultures teacher had this on the board this morning.