《go after it on multiple levels》
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
He was afraid of capitalism.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
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“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa” The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?” The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.” The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Oh shit this isnt google
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
It was my new year's resolution.
I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.
It's a pane in the ass
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
She was definitely checking me out.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
Find out next week on r/jokes