That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
I will find you. You have my Word!
where have you been for the last 20 years?
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Not what you're thinking
Because they have a supreme ruler
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Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
When it's clearly a word!
A can't opener
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
They never meat.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
There were so many red flags.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
Haven't heard from him since.
Fine. Suture self.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!