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i don’t really know what to right here so i am just gonna write this here
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
Only way it would be true
My father doesn’t trust anyone. In fact he has a saying…
But he won't tell me.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
BANG MY HEAD! YOU GUYS GET IT???? HAR HAR HAR
Сафари парк львов Тайган
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
The heart knows
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Instantly Uses Half of Your RAM and Storage
Fridays be like…
What does the bar tender says when a Neutron enters the bar?”No charge for you sir”
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
Hahaha…oh wait. That’s not funny!!
So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
I saw this one memes and figured it belonged here
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
👨💻How To Pretend You Are An Awesome Developer 😏| funny (Sketch)
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Me and a slush
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
The real Programmer Humor is always in the comments
prepare your stimulus
TIL weather.com has a Kelvin option
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
Funny idea, but those poor tigers.
My side-project experience
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
What did you expect?
Is this the way?
Comments be like
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Me while solving physics problems!!
Translate: Come on dear se how they cheer you.
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Live the moment
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
Recently spotting in a very Red state
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
I wonder if they cringe in Heaven
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
Found on some Facebook content farm im told its hilarious though
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
Haha wife bad
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.