😂😂😂😂 WHO DID THIS??
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
“I have a split personality”
Said Tom, being frank
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.