😂😂😂
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. “Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied. The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked. The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
