😂😂😂I need a moment😂😂😂
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child…
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here…" She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
No text found
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
You can go from fat to fit
With one good vowel movement
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.