😂😂
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.