😂😂
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
