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As a Non-American, This is how I see Democrat and Republican Presidents
Caught this beauty while reading some /r/TrumpCriticizesTrump material
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
sitting at computer for 50 years until you die
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
The apology machine
E.T. phone bad
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
A sign of the times
It’s the truth.
At sufficient velocity…
The tanning bed really helps.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
incredible what he’s gotten away with
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Can I get an F in the chats
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
Coming to a Wendy’s near you!
Where my HTML programmers at?
Teaching the chatbot to use reddit
Keep it simple
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
After hearing about Senators working 30h a week during the Impeachment.
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
look how they massacred my boy
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
Trump’s MAGA morons are the dumbest fucking people on the planet
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
The face says it all
The good old days.
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
My dearest wish …
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
haha wife bad
Officers of the United States
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!” Suddenly，everything–the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking. ‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
git stash save “It went to fuck”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Quarantine memes be like
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Close to zero, but still
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Hillary memes won’t go away.
It’s still just as arbitrary
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
damn teens and their phones, they dont know how the real world works
Tom Scott is one of the best YouTuber out there
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Scratch is amazing
Come a long way this decade
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?