๐
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
Iโm not sure what he laced them with but Iโve been tripping all day.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.โ
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?….. Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. โSo, I saw your father yesterday.โ This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. โYou did?โ I asked. โDid you see himโฆ at work?โ โYes, I did,โ John said, haughtily. โAnd I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.โ What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. โUh huh,โ I said. โThatโs odd, because he didnโt mention anything last night when he got home.โ โWell, maybe thatโs because he was so shocked by what I told him,โ John said, doubling down. โTell me, John,โ I said, slowly. โDid you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?โ John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. โI was a patient.โ I nodded. โThatโs interesting, John.โ โWhy?โ โBecause my father is a gynecologist.โ
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand storeย
What does a house wear?
Address
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
Whatโs ET short for?
heโs got small legs
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, heโs not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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