What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: Thatâs so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: Thatâs so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests todayâŚ
⌠I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but Iâll wrestle you for them.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
Weâll see about that…
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
âHello 911.â âWhatâs your emergency?â âThese men wonât stop laughing.â âThatâs annoying, but not a crime.â
âWtf is manslaughter then.â
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish

When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Thereâs a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, âCome on man, I was just joking. Here, Iâll buy you another drink. I just canât stand seeing a man crying.â âNo, itâs not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Iâm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.â âThe police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.â âAnd when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poisonâ
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
So I texted my crush and asked her, âAre you an ancient artifact,â
âBecause I want to date you.â
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, âSurely, itâs not going to rain again today?â
She replied, âYes, it is and donât call me Shirley!â I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my sonâs train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading