😅😣
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…
I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
