😛
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.