đšLITERALLY DYINGđš
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. Itâs one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "Iâm too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Student: Are âwellâ and âactuallyâ both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Coronavirus
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: âSir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?â The electron goes: âOh great, now Iâm lost."
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Knock Knock
Whoâs there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isnât THAT great of a joke.
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.