It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
Remains to be seen!
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
There were red flags all over the place
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
The title says it all.
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
Because attachments are forbidden
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
You don't turn your back on family
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day” Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives “Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day” The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!” Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked “Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in” “Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face” Peter nods… perplexed… “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… next” This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in” The guy looks at him and goes “Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”
Multiple life sentences.
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
It was quite the spectacle
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot