🤔
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”
It’s where I flip your MOM over
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist…
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
