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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
