🤦🏻♂️

Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes …
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
I poured my root beer into a square glass
..it became beer.

My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.

You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.

Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?