I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not