If Shaquille O’Neal was Arabic royalty and sold smoothies out of a hut…
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
A Nazi walks into a bar…
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.