”Nunfight at the O.K. Chorale”
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
A man’s fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.