(゜-゜) (」゜-゜)」
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.