🍺Miniature Drums Cover in WC🍺Nirvana-Smells Like Teen Spirit
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:
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Thanks.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."