π΅ Under the C π΅
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I canβt work out why I was the only naked person there.
I canβt believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didnβt show up.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
Whatβs similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with βCheckmateβ.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A man wants to enter a club heβs visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that wonβt let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you canβt run
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasnβt the best choice for a name.
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
Whatβs the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, βI canβt believe I just blew 20 bucks.β
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just donβt pick it up.
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".