🎶 Where at least I know I’m free 🎶
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
"This is a stick up!"
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."