🎶Meet Lorge Jetson🎶
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.