As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.