๐๐๐๐๐คฃ๐ฉ๐ญ๐ญ
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youโre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, โI read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.โ The redhead says, โwell I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boyโ The blonde starts wailing and crying โoh god! Iโm going to have puppies!!โ
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
Whatโs Forrest Gumpโs Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Why donโt ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
Youโve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "Thatโs nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didnโt stop ringing
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didnโt like their answer.
What do โPETAโ and โMake a Wish Foundationโ have in common?
A 10% survival rate Iโm so sorry
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey