😂😂👌👌👌
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor!!! Ha!
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.” The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died. “Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me! Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died. “Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.