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Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they donβt speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase βsecure the buildingβ. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
Heβll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terribleβs about to happen… I can feel it…
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
βI never knew my real ladder.β
George Floyd, autopsy: βHe didnβt die from asphyxiation or strangulation.β
https://ift.tt/2TVhosr
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canβt say Iβm surprised.
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: βOh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.β
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the manβs truck and said, βWhy are these penguins in your truck?β
The man replied, βThese are my penguins. They belong to me.β βYou need to take them to the zoo,β the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. βI thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!β the officer said. βI did,β the man replied. βAnd today Iβm taking them to the beach.β
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am