๐๐๐๐๐ Haha is funny cuz math!!!
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. โWell, thereโs glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..โ My 8 year old chimes in, โDaddy, whatโs snoo?โ My immediate response? โNot much, whatโs new with you?โ My journey to the dark side has been complete.
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
โSorry, weโre clothed.โ
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasnโt set high enough.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roaminโ catholic
Apparently you canโt use โbeef stewโ as a password.
Itโs not stroganoff.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I havenโt seen any with more than 4.
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Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them โ theyโre imaginary too.
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
Guy: Iโm hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someoneโs gonna hear us. Over.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says โIโll have to see some idโ.
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
โYouโre running around with another womanโadmit it!โ she demanded. โWhat other woman?โ Adam shot back. โYouโre the only one here.โ That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. โWhat are you doing?โ โCounting your ribs.โ
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Canโt say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. Thatโs the main one.