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Normie meme 3
Normie meme 3
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
βVery well, my child,β says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, βTell me about your sins.β βWell, Father,β says the guy, βOn Monday, I was at my girlfriendβs house, and, wellβ¦ the two of us alone, the house emptyβ¦ I sinned, Father.β βDonβt worry, child,β says the priest, βItβs perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.β βBut Father,β continues the man, βIt doesnβt end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriendβs house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, wellβ¦ the two of us alone, the house emptyβ¦ I sinned again, Father.β βOh, child,β says the Father, βYou must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.β βBut Father,β says the bloke again, βOn Wednesday, I was at my girlfriendβs house again, and she wasnβt there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, wellβ¦ the two of us alone, the house emptyβ¦ Again I sinned, Father.β βGood Lord,β says the priest, βChild, you must think about what you do, so pray-β βBut Father,β says the bloke, βOn Thursday, I was at my girlfriendβs house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, wellβ¦ the two of us alone, the house emptyβ¦ I sinned yet again, Father.β The priest falls silent. βAnd then,β continues the bloke, βOn Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , wellβ¦ the two of us alone, the house emptyβ¦β The priest still did not answer. βAnd on Saturday,β said the bloke, βI went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, wellβ¦β The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth β only to find the priest up on the belfry. βFather,β he calls, βWhat are you doing up there? I havenβt finished!β βBack off, Iβm not coming down,β says the priest, βThe two of us alone, the Church's fucking emptyβ¦ and I donβt want you to sin anymore.β
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet….
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal – gold, silver, platinum – you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say…" the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Canβt do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "Iβm going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You canβt raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just wonβt tell any body heβs dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didnβt anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Football
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.β The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: βDad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.β A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, βWhat the f… are you doing?β The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.β
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."