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If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Donât know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word âtragedyâ. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, âif my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, thatâd be a tragedy.â âNot quiteâ, says Mr. Trump, âthat would be an accident.â A little girl raises her hand: âif a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.â âIâm afraid not,â explained the president. âThatâs what we would call a great loss.â The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. âIsnât there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? â Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, âIf Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.â âFantastic!â exclaimed Mr. Trump. âThatâs right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?â âWellâ, said little Johnny, âbecause it sure as hell wouldnât be a great loss and probably wouldnât be an accident either.â
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
I just found out thereâs no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess thereâs no need to try pot roast.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, âHey, you missed a right!â
I said, âThanks babe. You MRS. Right.â
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says âyou take all those cows over there and round them up into one big groupâ The other says âwhat?â The first cowboy says âyou herdâ
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, âMommy Mommy, if Iâm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?â âWeâll see!â, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling âMommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!â âThatâs amazing Darling!â, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. âMommy Mommy, if Iâm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?â âWeâll see!â, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling âMommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!â âThatâs amazing Darling!â, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. âMommy Mommy, if Iâm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?â âWeâll see!â, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling âMommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!â âThatâs amazing Darling!â, Mom replies. Little Tommy canât believe his luck. âMommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!â Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while youâre a head.
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Whatâs the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..Oneâs a Corona virus and the otherâs a Verona crisis.
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.