πππ
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
Iβm heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
What did the necklace say to the hat?
You go on ahead, Iβll hang around.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasnβt at work
She must have called in thick
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
https://ift.tt/2XO8bo9
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
Welcome to camouflage training
Iβve got to say Iβm disappointed to see so many of you here
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. βIt's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers havenβt been affected tho."
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, βLord, they are finally together.β Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret β¦ βDo you think he means her first, second, or third husband?β Margaret replied, βI think he means her legs, Ethel . .
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "Noβ¦ Taiwan is notβ¦ uhβ¦ Yes, China is β¦ uhβ¦"
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.