πππ this genuinely fucked me up πππ
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
How do you introduce a hamburger?
βmeet pattyβ
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donβt.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Iβll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
βSonβ… βhow far do you think I can kick this bucket?β
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien π½ (Illuminati theme song playin')
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didnβt Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santaβs little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
I really like books with female protagonists.
Itβs almost like Iβm addicted to heroine.
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, βThe doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, Iβve got the breasts of an 18 year old.β I snickered, βOh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?β
She laughed, βYour name never came up in conversation.β
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap