😂😂😤😳👌
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?” Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
My wooden leg stepped in poop
Sorry about the shitpost
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.