๐๐ I hate my wife ๐๐
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said โis that dinner?โ He said โNo, Iโm a sinnerโ And took it up stairs to fuck it.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of threeโฆ”
"โฆ UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Do I often put an orange slice in my beer?
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said โdonโt worry, Iโm a professional – Iโve seen it all before. Just tell me whatโs wrong and Iโll check it out.โ I said โmy wife thinks my dick tastes funny.โ
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When youโre eating a watermelon.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, โWow! Thatโs a different order of magnitude.โ
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, โUse the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.โ
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, โWhen I want your fucking advice, Iโll ask for it.โ
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
I tried the โIf you love something, set it freeโ thing.
But my kids are still here.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know Iโm not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
Iโm really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.