ππ letβs go buttercup!!
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighborβs wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighborβs wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
I changed my iPodβs name to Titanic
Itβs syncing now
I hate Russian dolls. Theyβre so full of themselves
No text found
NSFW Whatβs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funnyβ¦"
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, βShame on you,β and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, βShame on you,β and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, βGood job staying faithful,β and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, βWhy are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.β The third guy responds, βI am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.β
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.