ππ This sub in a nutshell ππ
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick OβShay
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
If you donβt know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes Iβm just after my money.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, βBecause both of you are sinners, youβre are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.β The American responded, βWell, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.β And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, βWell, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.β And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, β Itβs not too bad actually. Itβs comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?β The Russian replied, βI feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.β
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the bestβ¦
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leavesβ¦
Cashier: Scans Condoms
βDo you need a bag sir?β Me: Jesus, sheβs not that ugly
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, whatβs dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.