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I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
As my Dad used to say, āwhen one door closes, another one opens.ā
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
Theyāre making all the headlines…
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I canāt even remember why I was carrying it around
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
I donāt know why I love bad puns so much
Itās just how eye roll
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the manās ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "Itās just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that sheāll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, āI want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'ā The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sisterās blonde. Sheāll read it slow."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
Mālaria!
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: āis there a doctor in this plane?ā A man comes quickly and say: āIām a doctor, what happened?ā The woman replies: āwould you like to meet my daughter?ā
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b