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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
Sheβs in for a rude awakening.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I canβt believe I missed all the red flags
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shellβ¦
I have a son whoβs on the spectrum. Itβs quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant heβd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. Heβd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesnβt want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, heβd sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15thΒ birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something Iβve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell β I donβt want to get too into the gross details but Iβm a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and donβt clean it. Iβm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. Iβm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god youβd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So itβs been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her itβs been incredibly promising so far. Heβs really starting to come out of his shell.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
Iβve been trying to come up with jokes about people who donβt exercise
But none of them work out
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itβs currently half empty…
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, β¬1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I canβt see it taking off.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if theyβre patient enough
Why is it that chinese kids donβt believe in santa?
Because theyβre the ones making the toys!
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
I have a joke about math.
But Iβm 2Β² to say it.
What is it called when your parachute doesnβt open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.