π π π Get it? π π π
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, βThings are great and Iβve never felt better.β I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. βSo what do you think about that Doc?β The doctor considered his question for a minute andΒ then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waterβs edge. He realized heβd left his gun at home and so he couldnβt shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, βLogic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.β The doctor replied, βMy point exactly.β
Today I stepped on a hipsterβs foot
Now he is a hopster
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess theyβre aimed at a younger audience….
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, βThis isnβt for me.β
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
Itβs their Tit for Tat special.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
βAye, mateyβ
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."