š
Whatās E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. āThatās one too many!ā says the customer.
The clerk replies āItās a freebieā
Iām heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Why does Waldo from the Whereās Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesnāt wanna be spotted
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, āThanks for the Baghdadā
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasnāt much, but the reception was excellent.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I really like books with female protagonists.
Itās almost like Iām addicted to heroine.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, āThis isnāt for me.ā
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didnāt see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Iāve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: Iām really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of āpoudlesā around. Everyone else : š
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canāt see in the dark…
Several scientists were all posed the following question: āWhat is 2 * 2 ?ā
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, ā3.99ā The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, āIt lies between 3.98 and 4.02ā The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, āI don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!ā Philosopher smiles, āBut what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?ā Logician replies, āPlease define 2 * 2 more precisely.ā The sociologist, āI don't know, but is was nice talking about it.ā Behavioral Ecologist, āA polygamous mating system.ā Medical Student, ā4ā All others looking astonished, āHow did you know ?ā Medical Student, āI memorized it.ā
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
A Nike shoe factory burned down š„
1000 soles were lost.
Itās called a stain because itās stayān.
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When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse