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A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
I misplaced Dwayne Johnsonâs cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I canât believe I lost the Rockâs Paper Scissors…
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: âWhatâll you have?â The man says: âGive me three pints of Guinness please.â So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyâre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: âSir, I know you like them cold. You donât have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Iâll bring you a fresh cold one.â The man says: âYou donât understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night weâd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and weâre drinking together.â The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: âI know what your tradition is, and Iâd just like to say that Iâm sorry that one of your brothers died.â The man said: âOh, me brothers are fine â I just quit drinking.â
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Canât say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. Thatâs the main one.
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
Itâs parents were in a jam.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, âDo you mind taking the dog for a walk?â
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. âYou are a disrespectful pig!â she cried. âHow dare you do this to me! Iâm a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Iâm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!â The husband replied, âHang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.â âGo ahead,â she sobbed, âbut theyâll be the last words youâll say to me!â So the husband began, âWell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnât eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldnât eat because youâre afraid youâll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but donât wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you donât wear because I donât have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you donât wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and donât wear because someone at work has a pair the same.â The husband took a quick breath and continued, âShe was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and saidâŚâ âDo you have anything else that your wife doesnât use?â
My wife told me, âDonât get upset if someone calls you fat.â
âYouâre much bigger than that.â
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
âI have an idea,â says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. âIf he takes the money, heâll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, heâll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means heâll be a preacher.â So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where theyâre hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. âWell, how do you like that!â exclaims the father. âHeâs going to be a politician!â
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itâs all about raisin awareness.