😂 Smile with Python
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”