😂EXACTLY😂
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
A Canadian..
Can't.
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.