😂Hahawww😪
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”