😅😣
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
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My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
What color is the wind??
Blew!
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Dad – “Nice shirt, is that felt?”
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta