😆
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8